Tonight, on New Year's Eve, I was at my in-law's house. There was a moment when I was sitting down, enjoying a drink and some conversation and it hit me, things are really great. Matilda has been such a momma's girl the last few months. Normally family parties just mean a get-together where I hold her constantly. She wouldn't let me put her down. She wouldn't let anyone else hold her. It wasn't much fun and it certainly wasn't relaxing. But tonight, she was crawling around her cousins, playing with toys and miraculously letting people hold her. At this moment I had such a profound feeling of gratitude. I'm so grateful for this precious little baby. I am so grateful that we are through the newborn phase and are quickly entering the phase where I refer to pretty much every month as "the best phase". I am grateful that Millie and Matilda are adoring sisters. They play well together. They make each other so happy. In a nutshell: I'm grateful that I survived 2015.
I was just reading my blog post from last January. Last year at this time I was terrified of what this year would bring. The thought of 2015 scared me. I didn't know what to expect with two children. I didn't know what kind of a baby Matilda would be. And while it was exceptionally hard at first (damn you postpartum depression) it hasn't been that hard. In fact, it has been wonderful.
I feel like I have found my confidence and stride as a mother. I have found an incredible amount of joy in motherhood. It's not always fun being a mom but it certainly brings a sense of fulfillment and joy to my world. Tonight, as I sang Millie to sleep, and slowly stroked her hair I felt that feeling of love bubble up inside of me. So what if it's New Year's Eve and I have zero plans. So what if I'm in my pajamas, have no intention of staying up until midnight (more like 10:30, if I'm feeling crazy) and have no one here to keep me company. I have two beautiful babies sleeping soundly through the fireworks outside. I won't have these years forever. Someday, sooner than I am ready, I will be staying up until midnight again, but anxiously waiting for my teenaged girls to come home. But for now, the quiet of the house is sublime.
It was very difficult adjusting to having two children. Before having Matilda I heard a lot of talk about what it's like to have 2 kids. For me, the adjustment was hard at first. Yet Matilda is now at an age that in some ways, it is easier to have 2 kids. They entertain each other. Millie is a great protector of Matilda and helps me so much. It is so fun to watch them play together. Sure bedtime is stressful. And it seems like no matter what ONE of the kids will wake up too early each day. The house is messy most of the time these days. Yet, our family and house feels very...complete. It's a good feeling.
I had a lot of fear wondering how I was manage to keep working as a mom of two. Surprisingly, this year was also incredibly rewarding and challenging at work. I let go of the reins and went on maternity leave and then basically came skipping back 6 weeks later. I need my work and it has been exceptionally fulfilling this year. I didn't get the big promotion that I hoped I would get. And you know, it's 100% ok. I still raised more money than ever. I felt like I really found my niche with my donors. I really tried my hand at developing a major gift program and am excited to run toward a large capital campaign. I took the reigns for my first fund drive and really tried to hone our sustainer program. And while I had a few setbacks, it was mostly successful. And fun as hell. I have the most incredibly smart, funny, dynamic and interesting coworkers. They are my 2nd family. And they were there to support me every step of the way. I actually get excited to go to work each day. How rare is that? I am so lucky.
I really want to say adios to 2015. I'm grateful for the many lessons and experiences I had this year but I am so ready to close the door to the fear I felt. I'm truly looking forward to 2016.
As always I am big on resolutions. I can't wait to have a clean slate. Last year I set some intentions, which I loved. So here they are, without much fanfare.
Run - It is so time to get back into shape. Running is my salvation and my sanity. I miss it and I need it. I want to run 1-2 half-marathons this year. I'm signed up for my first in April. I can't wait.
Write - Recently Seth started writing in a journal nightly. This is something I did years ago but can't imagine finding the time to do it now. However, he just writes 3 things he is grateful for each day. How beautiful right? I plan on joining him in this. I also plan on blogging more. Seth will be working nights at times (like tonight). So I have no excuses now.
Time - I feel like I have really neglected some important relationships in my life due to my lack of time. Having an infant is a major time-sucker. Now that I am getting through the infant phase I plan to devote more time to these relationships.
Talk - Believe it or not, but I am not great at talking through problems. Seth is. So one of my resolutions this year is to spend more time talking with him. And talking to my family. And talking openly with coworkers. It is so therapeutic to get things out in the open. So yes I plan on talking even more than I already do. Hard to believe, I know.
Love - Can I be honest? Keeping the zsa zsa zou alive in a marriage when you are taking care of small children is a challenge. I need some of the spark back in my marriage. So I vow to just love Seth more. Both physically and emotionally. The power of the human touch is strong and I find we just don't offer much to each other anymore. To go along with this is loving those around me in spite of their flaws. This has been a tough lesson for me this year. A lot of people in my life are hurting and I often find myself thinking "well it's their own fault!" when instead I just need to love them. I'm sorry for being a judgmental jerk friends. I'll love you all more, flaws and all.
Run, Write, Time, Talk and Love.
Lets do this 2016. I have a mighty good feeling about you.