Welcome Home

It's an odd feeling saying goodbye to a home. For over 10 years the house on Evergreen was a part of my life. I feel as if I didn't have time to say a proper goodbye to the house. The day we moved, I left to take a load over and never returned. There was not a moment of wandering through the empty house, running my fingers slowly across the kitchen counter, gazing idly outside our bedroom window. I would have spoken to the house. I would have told the house how much I loved my time in it. I would have thanked the house for all it had offered me and my family. Instead I didn't have that chance. I was unpacked and settled in our new house, just 2 blocks away. I am so enamored by our new home that I haven't had much time to think about our old house. I haven't given it a proper goodbye and a proper thank you. So instead, I'll do it here.

Thank you Evergreen house. I have so many memories. I fell in love with Seth in this house. I remember one of the first times we hung out, I drove around and looked at properties with Seth. I wasn't that impressed with the house and it's all-pink tones. I tried to convince him to move to the house on Sunnyside instead. But he saw past the pink. And I am so glad he did. I fell in love with Seth in this house. I had a video of Seth playing his newly acquired baby grand piano in the sunroom. I kept that video on my flip phone and played it often, swooning each time. Many of my early memories of the house were spent helping Seth as he remodel. I helped paint, install the tile floor, I rallied the troops as Seth was heading to PA school so the kitchen would be completed before I moved in. I loved seeing Seth transform this house.

It was in the Evergreen house where I first started really drinking. In fact, it was the first (and only) time that I drank so much that I threw up. Poor Timms. I'll never forget her telling me, "Beck, I'm just going to go downstairs to get ready for bed." While I sat on the floor, slumped over the bathtub, absolutely sick as a dog. I replied, "Just come in here. I'm not going to see. I can't even lift up my head."

I broke up with Seth while living in this house. He was in Seattle for a PA school rotation. I was living there with my cousin Emily. I was at an U of U football game one afternoon. When I came home I found a huge bouquet of flowers with an engagement ring tied around them. I demanded a real proposal...which also happened in this house a few months later.

He proposed to me the night before Christmas Eve. A trail of gifts, a fire roaring in the fireplace and the room magically aglow with the lights of the Christmas tree. The ring, hidden in plain sight, in an ornament on the tree. Britney and Sean taping the entire proposal from under the piano.

I found out I was pregnant, both times, in this home. The first pregnancy, I sat shaking on the bathroom tub when I shockingly discovered two very-special lines.

We we brought both of our babies home to this house. We experiences first steps, first words and sleepless nights in this home. We built our family here.


And of course, we put a lot of elbow grease into the house. Remodeled it nearly fully. We made it into "our home" and yet, it really just stopped suiting our needs. No matter how much we loved it, we realized it just wasn't what we wanted anymore. And so we sold it and watched as the new owner started transforming it into "her" home.

The morning of the move, I had about an hour at the house by myself. I walked into the baby's room and started sobbing. I was able to let go of the house for the most part. But this room held so many special memories.

Memories of nursing my babies in the quiet hours of night. Memories of lying on the floor and watching Millie crawl for the first time, and then walk for the first time. Memories of rocking Millie to sleep for the last time, the night before she would move into her "big-girl" room in the basement. Memories of Matilda laughing on her changing table.


I would never have that again and it broke my heart. I closed the door, wiped my tears and moved on.

And here we are a few weeks later, and I admit, I don't miss the house at all. The moment we first walked into our new house, we knew it was ours. The yard, the layout, the overall feeling of the house is perfect. It feels so quiet, secluded and peaceful. It's not on a busy street, it's not bright-yellow. It's private and wonderful. It's our new home.

The home that we will take into the next phase of our lives. The home where our girls will grow into teenagers. The home where we will spend hours on homework and school projects. The home where we will practice sports and have campouts in the back-yard. The home where the girls will have sleepovers and birthday parties. The home where we send them off to kindergarten, first dates and even away to college. And it's the perfect home for that. It's the perfect home for the next 20 years.

So thank you Evergreen. Thank you for the memories, the lessons and the love. We'll miss you.

Taking Stock Again

Thanks to TimeHop I realized that I wrote a simple "taking stock" blog 2 years ago this June.  Read it here.  I'm noticing that my depression peaks in June every year. Such an odd time. But I do think I'm coping better. I thought it would be fun to write this again.

Taking stock 2016

Making:  Preparations to move in one month. OMG. I can't wait and I'm terrified.

Cooking:  Constantly. Why do we have to feed our children!? Ha!

Drinking:  A glass of wine, or a beer, every night. And coffee. Lots of coffee.

Reading:   "The Shoemakers Wife" - again. It's so good. Read it.

Wanting:   To be back in shape. Peace. To get settled in my new house. Healing for those I love. A vacation with Seth. Fall! London. 

Looking:   At possible big changes in my life.

Playing:    Go Fish. Every day with Millie.

Wasting:   Energy on things I can't control.

Wishing:   That Matilda would stay this age. She's perfect right now. Just perfect.

Missing:    Romance.

Enjoying:  My amazing daughters and how delightful and unique they are.

Waiting:   For life to feel a bit easier again. But I keep waiting for this, maybe it's time to stop.

Liking:    Summer dresses, Louie, the feeling of butterflies I get when thinking about London this fall, sweet potatoes, Hamilton.

Wondering:  What other major changes could come this year?

Loving:  That Matilda is SUCH a momma's girl. She's clingy. She only wants me. But she snuggles and kisses me and I LOVE it.

Hoping:  I can get my act together and run the 1/2 marathon in September.

Marveling:  At the amount of love I can feel for my family. It's consuming and wonderful. 

Needing:   A night away with Seth. 

Smelling:  The stale smell of air-conditioned air.

Wearing:  Clothes that feel a bit too snug.

Following:  A lot less. No Facebook has done wonders for my mood.

Noticing:    That I control my happiness. It's all me.
Knowing:   Everything is going to be ok. 

Thinking:   Of all of the things I need to do. And wonderful how in the hell we are going to pull this off.

Giggling:   With my coworkers over our verbal abuse and Michael McDonald impressions.
Feeling:  Good, in spite of all of the shit that has been taking place around me.  

She Used to be Mine

It's not simple to say, that most days, I don't recognize me.

It's not easy to know, I'm not anything like I used to be.

Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and think, "Who are you?" You don't seem to resemble the old you. Neither in appearance or in personality. You've become a shadowed version of yourself. It happens so gradually that you don't even notice it at first. But one day, bam! You start self reflecting and realize how much you have changed. Sometimes for the better, but lately for me, its been for the worse.

Tonight I was leaving a get together with some girlfriends. For the first time in days I felt relaxed and content. I didn't feel like a pile of stress, anxiety, anger and nerves. I was alone in my car, driving on the freeway during the pinking hour. Marveling at the view of the mountains that I see every day, but rarely see at this time of night. I was listening to my music for a change, and not KUER. "She Used to be Mine" is my current favorite song. I sang along, as usual, and realized how applicable the song is to the way I feel. Life has swept in through the backdoor and carved out a person that I no longer recognize.

Life, as of late has made me angry. Jaded. Sad. Both just the world and current events (Orlando shooting, a possible Trump presidency, etc.) but mainly my personal life has made me angry. I don't need to go into everything that has been happening in my life, and in my family's life but it has hurt us all. It has pitted sibling against sibling. Parent against parent. I've felt and experienced moments of fear, anger, sadness and despondency. All of these emotions have turned me into a person that I don't like.

When I think back to what the "old Becky" was like I think the most descriptive words would be: happy, positive, empathetic, social, loving, kind, silly.

I miss that girl. This girl isn't any of those things right now. This girl feels more: depressed, caged, angry, tired, ugly, negative. This girl writes blogs about how much she despises summer and then gets upset when people call her out for being angry. Old Becky would never have written something so ridiculous. And her dear friends would never have to call her out for her shitty attitude. This version of me has become so enraged by people's comments and opinions on Facebook that she wanted to jump through the screen and clock neighbors, friends and family in the nose. This Becky is not me. I have allowed largely external events in my life carve me into a person that is largely unrecognizable. And I'm tired of it. I'm ready to start the transformation ... to rise from the ashes ... and become "me" again.

This has been and will continue to be a difficult year and I can decide to let it pull me even further away from myself, or I can do better to rise above it. I'm not sure what to do about my family situation. I'm looking for a reasonable way to deal with the pain and the fear. There are no clear answers.

Today I was lucky enough to see the Dalai Lama speak. Hearing him couldn't have come on a more perfect day. I felt so burdened as I walked to the event. I just needed to feel... light again. His message was simple, we need to be more compassionate. We can't simply pray for peace, we must be active in achieving peace in this world. We are all the same. We all deserve love and happiness.

As I contemplated his message I realized that I can't bring peace to the world. But I can bring peace within myself. I can't just sit around and expect life to calm down and for peace to once again settle upon my life. I need to actively search it out. In the past I have found peace in yoga. I have found peace in running. I have found peace in my beautiful daughters. I have found peace in letting go of control. I have found peace in forgiveness. I have found peace by offering love to another. I have found peace by consciously making an effort to control my negative thoughts and expressions.

This current Becky is crap. I'm ready to disassemble her piece by piece until I find the old Becky again. Because under the layers of bitterness, negativity, self-consciousness, and anger is that happy and positive girl that I once knew.

So here's to finding her again.